4 Years. .. . .

Yesterday marked the 4 year anniversary of my fathers death.  On 7-7-07, this great lucky "holy" day, I received a call from my mother.  A call that no one ever wants to receive (maybe some do. . .if they have horrible fathers).  "Jen, your father died this morning."  I felt like my world was crashing in on me.  I thought, this can't be true! I just saw him a few weeks ago!  I just had an email from him last night!  I never had a good relationship with my mother.  I have always been my fathers daughter in good ways and bad.  I have taken after him even in looks.  I lost the most important person in my life that day.  I always wonder if I would have preferred him to have been sick.  For me to have known it was coming.  I know he wouldn't have and I guess that gives me some comfort.  I know he would have rather died suddenly of a heart attack than a long drawn out illness.  He didn't have the best morals, parenting skills, etc.  But he was my dad.  He helped bring me into this world.  All of my memories growing up were always with him.  Yes, I love my mom. Yes we are a million times closer now, but I was not an easy kid or teenager to get along with and to say the least made her life a living hell.  So, I would turn to my dad.  So I would like to take tonights blog, to write him a short letter and hope that wherever he is, he sees it and thinks of me.

Dad,
   I miss you.  I miss you so much.  I miss your emails, I miss your visits every few months, I miss your even more spread out phone calls.  I miss everything about you.  I will never hold anything against you.  All the questions you left unanswered, all the lies you may have told or not told.  None of that matters to me.  I would do anything to go back to that day you came to see me in New Hampshire and we simply just enjoyed each others company.  You were proud of me.  You were actually proud of who I had become as a person and that meant the world to me!  It meant so much to me for you to make that trip out there to see me even though your back hurt and you had to sit on a bus for a long time.  All we needed was some Wendy's and a seat on a bench in downtown Nashua.  I never knew how much more important that day would become to me.  That was the last time I ever saw you in person.  And I am so so happy I got that.  You smiled at me so much that day and must have told me 100 times that you were proud of me.  You also made some loud racist comments at Wendy's about how you were shocked to see white people working at the New Hampshire one haha.  I loved you for that.  You obviously weren't a racist but you never held back with anything. Always spoke your mind and were honest, no matter who you might offend.  I hope you can see Caeley from wherever you are.  I don't believe in heaven or hell. I do feel like you are around me though.  I just hope you can be even more proud of me right now. She is the best thing I have ever done.  She is the most beautiful amazing child and I know that you would love her so much.  Just like you love Lauryn and Shealin.  Don't worry, Caeley will be raised knowing all about her Papa.  You definitely left us with plenty of stories to tell haha.  I just love you dad.  I miss you, plain and simple.  I even sometimes will play this home movie of you just so I can hear your voice.  Love you so so much.

Jen

Sorry if I got all sappy.  Just needed to get that off my chest 8)

It has been forever. . .

I think I need to keep up with this blog in order to feel sane.  For the past few months I have felt more catty, moody, annoyed, bitter, and any other word you can come up with to describe the same emotion.  I have just been in an overall slump.  Ive been eating crap (thankfully not gaining my weight back but who knows if that is soon to follow).  I am my own worst critic though.  I constantly think that I am a bad mother and that I am not doing things right.  Caeley turned two a couple weeks ago.  She is beautiful and healthy but not talking "as much as the dr would like".  First off, let me get angry. .. .screw you drs office in Newington, CT.  Not only are your receptionists idiots but so are your drs.  I have talked to so many other people and done so much research that says there is no set time for kids to learn certain things.  There are obvious cut off ages, like if by 3 she isnt talking at all or making sentences, yeah we might want a speech therapist.  It is just going to be me and john being a lot more involved in it, which we have been and we already see improvements.

Today I took the day off from work to just enjoy life.  It really made me laugh at a bunch of things that have been bothering me lately.  You ever look at someones life and get jealous? new car when yours is crap?  new house when you live in a crummy apartment?  I was finding myself feeling bitter towards all my friends and family that were experiencing any joy like this.  I want a new car.  I want to live in a nice condo or something, not the ghetto where friends are afraid to walk behind the building in the dark for fear of their life.  But today?  I just laughed.  I thought about how lucky I am in life.  I have a car, its 2007, its a 2 door, its not ideal, but it works.  It has been 5 years with it and i have had maybe one problem with it.  I shouldnt complain or care about getting a new car.  So, happy with my car as of today.  Appreciate that my car gets me where i need to go, as of today.  New House?  Why would I want a mortgage and to pay for all the upkeep of a house?  I have a 2 year old.  I would rather be spending my extra money making sure she has a good life and is able to do good things.  I am grateful that my mom has a nice backyard and that I have great friends I can meet up with and do fun things.  You dont need a house to have a family.  This apartment takes care of us just fine and allows us to live rather comfortably.  My job?  Yeah it stresses me out, but like my mom said, i win trips to NYC, macbooks, etc etc etc.  In this economy, that should make me delighted.  So tomorrow I will go into work with a big smile on my face and just do my best.  I guess you can say I have kind of just lost myself over the past month or so.

Today I also did something, that, go ahead and judge me, was a great accomplishment.  I took caeley out by myself today, and even though a million things when wrong in our big plans, including me forgetting to bring her stroller to the Aquarium, I managed to not take one of my Xanax in order to deal with the whole ordeal.  Now, Im not some pill popping crazy, but i have them prescribed so if i feel really anxious or panicky i can take them and feel better.   With Caeley this happens a lot.  I was really proud of myself and able to just let go and enjoy my time with her.  She LOVED looking at the fish.

                                                               A Nice big turtle!

                                                              Caeley crawling off where
                                                             she probably shouldn't

                                                                  Just Chillen!

I just really took the time today to look at my life and realize how much I love it.  I have some of the best friends in my life that I have ever had.  So many people keep me strong and keep my chin up when I feel like I just can't anymore.  This little girl though, she has changed me for the better.  I dont care if people tease me for feeding her only organic food, because it is what is best for her.  This is my blog so I can say it, unless you are REALLY poor, dont be cheap, buy your kids good food.  Otherwise it is like you are poisoning their poor little bodies.  That is why I dont preach about it.  I would offend millions.  I am sure I am going to offend some with just this.  Anyways. . . I dont care if people think im not teaching her things fast enough, I am trying the best that I can.  I am always open to other ideas and options, but im sorry, I cannot just sit there telling Caeley EVERYTHING I am doing.  I would go nuts.  We all have our different parenting styles, I am insanely happy it worked for you, but it is not going to work with me.  I feel like and idiot and I feel like I am treating my kid like an idiot.  JUST MY OPINION! no one should get offended.  And lastly, yes. . .I did buy Caeley a book about zombies.  It is terrific.  I love horror movies.  I love Gore.  I am going to be tasteful about it, but i will NEVER let my kid NOT have part of me with her.  I want her to love books, movies, adventure, imagination.  I want her to be able to read a book and get taken into that world like her mom does.  I am such a passionate person, and I want to pass that on to her.

I guess in the end here, I really just want to be the best mom for Caeley.  I can't be THE best mom, no one can.  We all are the best we can be for our own kids.  For Caeley, I just want her to be herself.  I want her to show signs of who she came from, maybe dads shyness or forgiving personality. .. maybe her mothers spark and passion.  I dont know but I do know that I AM raising her right.  My daughter is intelligent, extremely loved, and absolutely perfect.

I am a rambler.  Never ever expect perfectly written pretty blogs from me if anyone aside from Kelly or Robynne actually reads these 8).

                          The zombie book i bought Caeley which makes me a horrible mom lol.

Jen
                                                        

A delightful weekend off from work.

So I got to spend my friday COMPLETELY to myself. It was so nice. I went to old navy, swung by the outlets and just overall enjoyed myself.  I did squeeze in some valuable time to see Fast Five. . . .now i know what anyone reading this blog would say but it was actually a decent movie! i wasnt a fan of any of the other ones but i liked this one.  Some idiot did have to bring he 18 month old kid into the movie, but all of that aside, enjoyable day!

Then comes sat!  I woke up to go on a hot date with Jenn to see Prom.  It was really cute and sweet and enjoyable.  we got lost trying to find erics apartment (the dork never gave us the house number) so we could walk his dog clover.  Then jenn really had to pee so we gave up our search and picked up caeley.  Just to return back to erics since he called me and told me where his dog was haha.

Clover proceeded to give me licks and kisses that i boldly enjoyed having been bitten by a dog not long ago.  Clover made Caeley cry so we went along our way to Lyman's Orchards!  We had a lot of fun and ill post some cute photos here!

And then me and caeley went shopping afterwards which was delightful.  but before we did all this Jenn let me stop at the old Cinema City to take some pics. im happy and I shall end this blog with them.

It breaks my heart to see it borded up and in shambles. . . . .

Sorry it has been a while. . .

I have a lot on my mind tonight.  One Happy belated birthday to myself, I have entered my 27th year.  I really want to make a lot of good changes this year and inspire people for greatness.   I know that may sound cheesy but it is true.  I have found a lot of things that I am very passionate about over the past few years and I think im ready to be more active about educating and raising awareness about those things.

First off, childhood obesity.  I personally feel that it is a form of child abuse.  Unless the child has some sort of health condition to cause them to gain weight, it is the parents fault.  What they are doing is just as horrible to me as physically or mentally abusing their children.  For 13 yr olds to have diabetes, 3 year olds so fat they dont exercise at all and just eat and eat?  I am not even just talking about mcdonalds, if people want to give that to their kids, it is fine! just not in excess!  I am going on two years with my daughter not having anything fried or fast food.  I am very proud of that.  There are few things that you get to do for your children, set them up for life by educating them about day to day things, about smart school stuff haha, good eating habits, good social habits. . . .It is amazing how many people fuck that up.  Pardon my language.  I am just insanely passionate about this.  Why are there so many obese kids out there?  If caeley was obese, I think I would cry myself to sleep every night and do something about it.  I dont want to ramble on and on about it, but I do really want to find a way to become more active in educating parents and children about eating organic foods and caring about the conditions they are finding themselves in.  Everytime I see an obese child under teh age of like 18 I feel disgusted and want to punch the parents in the face.  Maybe that is dramatic but it angers me so much!

But otherwise, I have been feeling really positive lately! keeping up with my workouts! loving my new shift at work!  I hope all is well in the blog world!

Today was perfect.

Today was a perfect perfect day!  I slept as late as my heart desired (9 am like usual lolol), spent a nice morning with the fam before rushing off to Whole Foods.  Whole Foods is definitely a dream come true haha.  I love walking in there and knowing that im buying so many great things for my family.  My little baby deserves the best when it comes to food!  Then i went and splurged on some second hand clothes at once upon a child!  There is nothing more rewarding than getting a bunch of awesome gap clothes for wicked cheap.  Then I went to pick up my little lady and I surprised Kelly Trafton with a playdate! Thank you Kelly for letting me come over and veg out while my baby and your baby got some playtime!  After lots of love and goodtimes, I headed over to the mall to spend some more money on my little girl!  We got some sweet deals on clothes for her due to some sweet coupons!  THEN! we went to my moms for a little visit!   I loved my day today, and i just hope hope hope that John does well on his test thursday so that I can spend so much more time with my little girl.  She makes everyday of my life complete and just brings me so much joy.  something else that brings me joy is Gooshums snuggling up to me and keeping me warm. Oh gooshums, I love you.  Otherwise, life is delightful, Im down 17 lbs, and things are hopefully going to start coming together even more and more!

Yay for Saturday!

Since John works on saturdays, I typically find myself just sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing.  Why is there never anything good on tv on  saturday?  Probably because most people are out having fun.  I am currently sitting at home watching The Parking Lot Movie. . .. yay documentaries!  I wish it was friday again and it was 75 degrees out so i could play with Caeley outside!  Instead I went to the movies last night and today!  I saw Limitless, which was really really good.  I love me some Bradley Cooper!  It was entertaining, pretty at times.  Today I went with my good ol friend Ben to see The Lincoln Lawyer.  I have no interest in reading the book so I cant compare which is better, but I really really liked the movie.  Im going to see how many times I can write really really in my blogs!

So I have steadily worked out every night this week and can feel a difference already!  I am taking tonight off to be lazy and watch mindless documentaries about parking lots, but will be back on track with it tomorrow.  I am hoping to lose weight this week since I didnt last week 8(   First week since being on weight watchers that I havent lost anything but I ate A LOT of bad foods last week. Oh well, I shall keep on losing the weight!

I am really not feeling like writing in my blog but felt obligated to update everyone.  Sorry for the mindless babbling.  I am very exhausted at the moment.  Time to go talk to my love Robynne.

Yay! A new blog!

I was inspired by my friend Kelly to start up a blog of my own to just blabber on about my daily events (not saying you blabber Kelly haha).  I am just going to start with the run down of what my life has been like lately.  I work 40 hours a week to start.  Welcome to working class america haha.  I somehow find time to read at least one book a week, follow like 10 tv shows at a time, see at least 2 or 3 movies a week (whether at the theater or at home), spend a lot of time with my beautiful daughter (if you didnt notice her great big picture at the top of the page), spend little time with my husband since we work opposite shifts in an effort to keep Caeley out of daycare, follow my weight watchers diet and avoid temptations of horrible evil foods, and many many other things.

Ill first start off saying I have been on weight watchers for about two months now and have lost a total of 13 lbs so far. Considering my overall goal is to lose 30, I think im doing rather well!  I invested in an elliptical machine for my living room and am loving it (when i can force myself to get off my ass and use it).  I try to work out at least 3 to 4 nights a week but sometimes do not get to due to laziness or exhaustion.  What can I say?  I love coming home from work at 7, hanging out with my daughter for an hour before she has to go to bed, and then plopping down on the couch and chatting with my best friend Robynne.  Thankfully she reminds me to get off my ass and exercise haha.  So hopefully I will lose the other 17 lbs over the next few months and be a sexy mama.

Id like to just say now that I have the most amazingly wonderful daughter.  I never wanted kids.  When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified.  Now I cannot imagine my life without her.  She is definitely her mothers daughter and I hope she stays that way.  Not in the "i made my moms life a living hell" kinda way, but more like how I am now.  I am trying to raise her on a strictly organic diet, its not always easy but I am proud to say its been almost two years and my kid has never had anything fried or fast food (yayyyy Caeley!).  The obesity in america really gets to me and its a reason I am trying to get myself to my ideal weight to set a great example for my daughter.  She is my life.

Now, if you are reading this and you know me, you know that I am addicted to movies and reading. I will probably take a moment in every blog entry to comment on a book I have read or a movie I have seen.  Since the movie I just watched was horrible (i will get to that in a minute, gotta keep you in suspense), I will comment on the book I finished yesterday first.  I decided to dig out a classic and read Jane Eyre for the first time.  I wont lie, I was definitely motivated by the many movie trailers I have seen for the new movie coming out.  I do not know why I waited so long to read this book!  I loved it!  I won't spoil anything for anyone that has not read it, but I just loved the romance and over all eerie feel to the book.  It broke my heart about 100 times when I read it but was over all satisfied in the end.  I just went and saw Battle Los Angeles. . . .. I had planned to see Jane Eyre but didnt realize it was only being released in NYC and LA so had to settle for this stupid and disappointing movie.  It's not even worth going into it much but ill just say that although I appreciate movies with aliens and action, this one just left me feeling blah.  So blah that i left it early and went grocery shopping instead.  I NEVER leave a movie early, but since I had used a movie pass I won at work I figured who cares.  Ill catch the ending eventually, maybe it is unfair for me to fully judge it since I didnt finish it, but I would recommend catching it on demand or red box or however you may watch your movies.

On that note, I will end this extra long post.  I love any of you that are actually taking the time to read this and I love my life.