4 Years. .. . .

Yesterday marked the 4 year anniversary of my fathers death.  On 7-7-07, this great lucky "holy" day, I received a call from my mother.  A call that no one ever wants to receive (maybe some do. . .if they have horrible fathers).  "Jen, your father died this morning."  I felt like my world was crashing in on me.  I thought, this can't be true! I just saw him a few weeks ago!  I just had an email from him last night!  I never had a good relationship with my mother.  I have always been my fathers daughter in good ways and bad.  I have taken after him even in looks.  I lost the most important person in my life that day.  I always wonder if I would have preferred him to have been sick.  For me to have known it was coming.  I know he wouldn't have and I guess that gives me some comfort.  I know he would have rather died suddenly of a heart attack than a long drawn out illness.  He didn't have the best morals, parenting skills, etc.  But he was my dad.  He helped bring me into this world.  All of my memories growing up were always with him.  Yes, I love my mom. Yes we are a million times closer now, but I was not an easy kid or teenager to get along with and to say the least made her life a living hell.  So, I would turn to my dad.  So I would like to take tonights blog, to write him a short letter and hope that wherever he is, he sees it and thinks of me.

Dad,
   I miss you.  I miss you so much.  I miss your emails, I miss your visits every few months, I miss your even more spread out phone calls.  I miss everything about you.  I will never hold anything against you.  All the questions you left unanswered, all the lies you may have told or not told.  None of that matters to me.  I would do anything to go back to that day you came to see me in New Hampshire and we simply just enjoyed each others company.  You were proud of me.  You were actually proud of who I had become as a person and that meant the world to me!  It meant so much to me for you to make that trip out there to see me even though your back hurt and you had to sit on a bus for a long time.  All we needed was some Wendy's and a seat on a bench in downtown Nashua.  I never knew how much more important that day would become to me.  That was the last time I ever saw you in person.  And I am so so happy I got that.  You smiled at me so much that day and must have told me 100 times that you were proud of me.  You also made some loud racist comments at Wendy's about how you were shocked to see white people working at the New Hampshire one haha.  I loved you for that.  You obviously weren't a racist but you never held back with anything. Always spoke your mind and were honest, no matter who you might offend.  I hope you can see Caeley from wherever you are.  I don't believe in heaven or hell. I do feel like you are around me though.  I just hope you can be even more proud of me right now. She is the best thing I have ever done.  She is the most beautiful amazing child and I know that you would love her so much.  Just like you love Lauryn and Shealin.  Don't worry, Caeley will be raised knowing all about her Papa.  You definitely left us with plenty of stories to tell haha.  I just love you dad.  I miss you, plain and simple.  I even sometimes will play this home movie of you just so I can hear your voice.  Love you so so much.

Jen

Sorry if I got all sappy.  Just needed to get that off my chest 8)