It has been forever. . .

I think I need to keep up with this blog in order to feel sane.  For the past few months I have felt more catty, moody, annoyed, bitter, and any other word you can come up with to describe the same emotion.  I have just been in an overall slump.  Ive been eating crap (thankfully not gaining my weight back but who knows if that is soon to follow).  I am my own worst critic though.  I constantly think that I am a bad mother and that I am not doing things right.  Caeley turned two a couple weeks ago.  She is beautiful and healthy but not talking "as much as the dr would like".  First off, let me get angry. .. .screw you drs office in Newington, CT.  Not only are your receptionists idiots but so are your drs.  I have talked to so many other people and done so much research that says there is no set time for kids to learn certain things.  There are obvious cut off ages, like if by 3 she isnt talking at all or making sentences, yeah we might want a speech therapist.  It is just going to be me and john being a lot more involved in it, which we have been and we already see improvements.

Today I took the day off from work to just enjoy life.  It really made me laugh at a bunch of things that have been bothering me lately.  You ever look at someones life and get jealous? new car when yours is crap?  new house when you live in a crummy apartment?  I was finding myself feeling bitter towards all my friends and family that were experiencing any joy like this.  I want a new car.  I want to live in a nice condo or something, not the ghetto where friends are afraid to walk behind the building in the dark for fear of their life.  But today?  I just laughed.  I thought about how lucky I am in life.  I have a car, its 2007, its a 2 door, its not ideal, but it works.  It has been 5 years with it and i have had maybe one problem with it.  I shouldnt complain or care about getting a new car.  So, happy with my car as of today.  Appreciate that my car gets me where i need to go, as of today.  New House?  Why would I want a mortgage and to pay for all the upkeep of a house?  I have a 2 year old.  I would rather be spending my extra money making sure she has a good life and is able to do good things.  I am grateful that my mom has a nice backyard and that I have great friends I can meet up with and do fun things.  You dont need a house to have a family.  This apartment takes care of us just fine and allows us to live rather comfortably.  My job?  Yeah it stresses me out, but like my mom said, i win trips to NYC, macbooks, etc etc etc.  In this economy, that should make me delighted.  So tomorrow I will go into work with a big smile on my face and just do my best.  I guess you can say I have kind of just lost myself over the past month or so.

Today I also did something, that, go ahead and judge me, was a great accomplishment.  I took caeley out by myself today, and even though a million things when wrong in our big plans, including me forgetting to bring her stroller to the Aquarium, I managed to not take one of my Xanax in order to deal with the whole ordeal.  Now, Im not some pill popping crazy, but i have them prescribed so if i feel really anxious or panicky i can take them and feel better.   With Caeley this happens a lot.  I was really proud of myself and able to just let go and enjoy my time with her.  She LOVED looking at the fish.

                                                               A Nice big turtle!

                                                              Caeley crawling off where
                                                             she probably shouldn't

                                                                  Just Chillen!

I just really took the time today to look at my life and realize how much I love it.  I have some of the best friends in my life that I have ever had.  So many people keep me strong and keep my chin up when I feel like I just can't anymore.  This little girl though, she has changed me for the better.  I dont care if people tease me for feeding her only organic food, because it is what is best for her.  This is my blog so I can say it, unless you are REALLY poor, dont be cheap, buy your kids good food.  Otherwise it is like you are poisoning their poor little bodies.  That is why I dont preach about it.  I would offend millions.  I am sure I am going to offend some with just this.  Anyways. . . I dont care if people think im not teaching her things fast enough, I am trying the best that I can.  I am always open to other ideas and options, but im sorry, I cannot just sit there telling Caeley EVERYTHING I am doing.  I would go nuts.  We all have our different parenting styles, I am insanely happy it worked for you, but it is not going to work with me.  I feel like and idiot and I feel like I am treating my kid like an idiot.  JUST MY OPINION! no one should get offended.  And lastly, yes. . .I did buy Caeley a book about zombies.  It is terrific.  I love horror movies.  I love Gore.  I am going to be tasteful about it, but i will NEVER let my kid NOT have part of me with her.  I want her to love books, movies, adventure, imagination.  I want her to be able to read a book and get taken into that world like her mom does.  I am such a passionate person, and I want to pass that on to her.

I guess in the end here, I really just want to be the best mom for Caeley.  I can't be THE best mom, no one can.  We all are the best we can be for our own kids.  For Caeley, I just want her to be herself.  I want her to show signs of who she came from, maybe dads shyness or forgiving personality. .. maybe her mothers spark and passion.  I dont know but I do know that I AM raising her right.  My daughter is intelligent, extremely loved, and absolutely perfect.

I am a rambler.  Never ever expect perfectly written pretty blogs from me if anyone aside from Kelly or Robynne actually reads these 8).

                          The zombie book i bought Caeley which makes me a horrible mom lol.

Jen